Worst Day

I feel so dumb right now, I don't even know how to articulate it. Unfortunately I have a feeling that once you read the rest of this post, you will be shaking your head at me in disbelief. I don't even know why I'm writing now, probably because I can't get ahold of anyone and don't know what else to do. I was planning on going to Cinque Terre tomorrow with my friend Emma, I packed up all my things--passport, documents, money, train tickets (that I bought for her and I, for about 150 Euro), clothes and threw a towel on top because I was going to the beach today with some other friends and planned on taking a train straight from there to Rome, staying the night in Rome, and then getting up bright and early for what surly would have been the best weekend of my trip. I was waiting at the near the fire station for Giulia to pick me up when I realized I forgot some papers that I could use for my research while I was away. It was a tug a war inside my mind what to do--return to the house (it was only 5 minutes down a dirt road) or go without the papers. I decided to go down the dirt road, but I didn't want to make Giulia wait. Since I've actually only seen one other person use that road--my neighbor--I decided to slide my bag in some buses and run home so I wouldn't waste time. WORST DECISION OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. I ran home, grabbed the papers, ran back--all in about 5 minutes. I passed the spot where my backpack was, realized it, and turned around to grab it. It wasn't there. My word, obviously I should have never let something carrying so many important things--passport, documents, credit card, money, train tickets, my camera, even my diary/field journal and a letter to a friend--out of my sight. I wish a million times that I was capable of going back in time--not making such a dumb mistake, but I can't now...

I ran into a nearby fire station and tried to explain my problem to 6 men who didn't speak any English; one man came to help who spoke some english. So, here I am, stressing, with a lump the size of Texas in my throat, and feeling more dumb than I ever have in my life because what happened was 100% my fault. It wasn't an unlucky thing, I honestly think I would feel better right now had someone robbed me face to face.. I jotted a few numbers down before my phone completely died--Diego and Mara's (host family), my bishops, Emmas, and my friend Guilia--who was on her way to get me. My phone died, the firemen called the police, who came. They also didn't speak English. Now, I am definitely learning Italian and getting better, but trying to explain something like this in Italian was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Diego's dad, bless his heart, came to the station and we drove to the police station to file a report. I just can't believe how things changed so quickly from being so great to so miserable. I have no documents, hardly any money, and the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to talk to anyone because it was such a dumb mistake, and I feel so miserable already that I don't think I could take someone giving me one of those 'are-you-serious?' looks. I wish I could talk to my mom, but although Emma was able to help me get ahold of her and let her know what happened, my phone is now dead and I can't get to her through Skype. I am in serious need of a 45 minute long hug, but don't even feel like I deserve that right now. :/

I'm trying not to be pessimistic, since the moment it happened, I tried to find a solution and the silver lining. But right now, I'm lost for both... I am so grateful for everyone and their help, but so sick that I did this. Ah, how a split second decision and 5 minutes can change everything so quickly. I dread talking to anyone.. I have this complex where I don't cry, but I think that if anyone made me feel worse, by reinforcing how dumb of a mistake I just made was or showed me any sympathy, I think the tears would come. I don't mean to be melodramatic, and writing this out has helped. Guess it's time to put on my big girl panties and stop feeling sorry for myself. I did this, I take responsibility, I will figure it out. This isn't going to ruin my field study. There's got to be a silver lining, somewhere...

I'm Alive!

I'm Alive! And doing wonderfully! :) We FINALLY got WiFi at my house, which will definitely make communication a lot easier. I think last time I wrote, I was complaining about how hard some things were. I recently spoke with a friend whose mom read my blog (Hi Sister Blake:) and relayed to Audrey that I was having a difficult time. So, to start things off, I just want to let anyone and everyone know that I'm happy here--which I guess probably shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, I mean, I'm in Italy for goodness sakes. :) That's not to say that there aren't difficult times, but that's because it's real life here--not just a vacation--and what is life without trials? (That was a rhetorical question, but I guess the answer would probably be: A Chick Flick).

I have dedicated my first month to TONS of informal interviews, which were incredibly vital to my project. Part of me feels like I know most of the answers to my questions now, but if I hadn't done those 'informal' interviews, I assure you that I would have asked the wrong questions. I want to understand dating and courtship for young adults in Italy, which--I have learned--is quite (I want to say extremely, which is probably more true, but I'm trying not to exaggerate) different from the dating in the states, and then--of course--WAY different from the dating culture at BYU. Even the wording in my drafted questions didn't really make sense for the Italian culture. For example, there really isn't a direct translation for 'date,' a word that seemed obvious and self explanatory to me. Whenever I asked people about what a date is like in Italy, I had to explain what I mean; and since being here, my explanation for a 'date' has changed to something actually occurs here. I definitely am thankful to have my host brother here, who is fluent in English. The negative side is that we speak a lot of English, so I am not practicing my Italian as much as I could be. The upside: He can explain so many things to me about Italian culture in a way that I can really understand, he helped me translate my consent form, and can help me with some translating!

The best thing that has happened here, for myself and for my project is making friends. I actually met a girl named, Giulia, while I was studying at the library a few weeks ago and we've become pretty good friends. She is an absolute sweetheart and invites me to do things with her and her friends, which has given me the opportunity to make even more friends--that all live right around Bracciano! The last few days, I've been hanging out with a girl named Gisenia--she took me all around the nearby towns, and also to the gym--for 3 1/2 hours! Pretty intense, but I needed the work out, was able to meet even more people there, and got a taste of another aspect of the Italian culture. So, to state the obvious, things are really looking up. :)

My biggest challenge now is getting everything I need to do, done. I conducted my first official interview a couple days ago, which was 1) Great, and 2) made me realize a few things that I need to change in my questions--it's really a continual work in progress. I'm taking my 'mid-semester' retreat next week (which seems wayy too soon!), but I get to go to Sicily, so the only complaint connected to that is that I have less  than 7 weeks left here! It is truly amazing how quickly time flies! So right now, it's a balancing act, which is easier to do when I'm not in a new place and eager to see and experience everything. If only I didn't have my social psychology class to do while I was here (last class I need to 'officially graduate; since I took 11 credits towards my field study winter semester, that means I have to take 1 last psychology class this spring/summer so that I can start grad school in the fall!).

I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned here, that I thought I knew pretty well to begin with, is the importance of being open minded. While life in Rome is extremely fast paced, life in Bracciano isn't as much. Convenience isn't the motivating factor in people's lives here--my host family takes time to prepare meals, to eat meals together and talk for a long time, and to hand-wash every plate, spoon, pot, and pan--even though they own a dishwasher (which I've never seen used). Being early isn't as important. Buying some groceries everyday is normal (I swear the reason that the food is so good here is because it's so fresh!). I've learned to like it. Even with 'dating'/courtship in Italy, at first I had to actively remind myself not to be judgmental and to take the attitude that, 'it's not better or worse here, just different,' even though I felt like it was worse. Now, I've grown to see the beauty in it, and think I might be developing a preference for it--which is something I NEVER expected. It's the same with a lot of things, but rather than preferring one thing over the other, I have really been able to find the good, and sometimes the bad, in each.  That has come a lot with taking the time to understand the reasons that motivate behavior. Many Italian people that I have met don't ignore the benefits of convenience, they would just rather spend quality time with family and friends--doing dishes together is a way to spend quality time together--one that I didn't appreciate until recently.

I really do think that everyone should go experience a different culture, and not just have it as a bucket list item that never gets crossed off. I have had so many people tell me how jealous they are that I am in Italy. My advice to them is simply: Do It! There will always be a million excuses to make, and a million reasons why it's better to wait. It would have been better for me, in a lot of logical ways, to stay in Utah or live at home in Washington this summer. Rather than spending all my money, I could have saved it; I could be doing more research to prepare for Grad School in the fall. If I had stayed home, I would be there to see my little brother get back from his mission, and gotten to see some good friends get married. Basically what I'm saying is that circumstances are rarely perfect, but you've got to go for what you think you want and need. That was true for my decision to come here, and that's true for my experiences here. It's not easy to put myself out there, but what worthwhile things were ever easy? I am learning a lot here, making a conscious decision to be happy and outgoing, and loving it. :D

and, since pictures say 1000 words, and I'm crunched for time, here some are:

Cinthya and I eating at a little cafe in Rome; and by eating I guess I mean just drinking juice and eating chocolate--which we got for free :)

At a soccer game in Rome!

A late night crepe and panino

The Rome Temple construction!

Bracciano Lake

Making pizza with my host mom, I now LOVE: tomatoes, salt, and olive oil. Mamma Mia!

The hedge hog that my friend and I  almost hit

VATICAN CITY:

climbing the stairs of St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City

View from the top

Gesenia and I

Dinner with an investigaor and the sister missionaries; the one on the right and I took an Italian class together at BYU!
Side note: I think there were 4 different main dishes and about 9 sides for this dinner!